At at my NLP therapy practice in Worcester, I have often met children who are struggling with anger. Below is a visual tool that I use, which highlights the fact that anger is often the secondary emotion that is being shown in response to another emotion which is under the surface.

Anger can manifest itself in many ways, including:

• Shouting
• Slamming doors
• Shutting down
• Hitting something or someone
• Throwing things
• Damaging property

As the iceberg shows, this can often be as a result of some other emotion which the child is struggling to communicate. Anger can be a protective emotion, which serves the purpose of masking a more vulnerable or overwhelming feeling.

At my NLP therapy practice in Worcester I have shown this diagram to children I have worked with (when they are feeling calm!) to see if they can identify the primary emotion they are feeling themselves. It is important to note that this can be difficult for the child, as they may find their feelings confusing, or not recognise them at all. This sometimes leads to a conversation about what each of the feelings are and how to identify them. Is there a certain situation/trigger that makes their anger flare up, and is there anything that can be put in place before they reach the point of anger?

One of the most important pieces of advice I give to parents of the children I work with at my NLP therapy practice in Worcester is to not take their child’s anger personally. Getting to the root cause of the anger in a calm way, rather than getting angry or upset yourself is much more productive.

It is also important accept the child’s anger, and avoid saying things such as “calm down”, as this can cause a child to feel their emotions are not significant or valid. A more useful response would be “I understand that……has made you angry, lets talk about that.”

There are many phrases which a lot of us might instinctively say when someone is angry which can actually make the situation worse. Have a conversation with your child (again when they are calm!) about what these phrases are and what they could be replaced with. For example instead of “We don’t talk like that” try “Please use kind words” or instead of “Be quiet” try “Can you use a softer voice?” (We Are Teachers).

Another great tip is to make a plan of what your child wants you to do when they are angry (again this needs to be done when they are calm!). Some ideas could be:

• Try to distract me
• Don’t talk just listen
• Give me a hug
• Tell me something funny
• Ask me how I’m feeling
• Give me time and space

A great chart for this can be found on the Myle Marks website.

What works for one child might not work for another, and what works for a child in one situation might not in another! It might also take some trial and error too, as what they think they need might be different to what they actually need when they are in an angry state!

Overall what an angry child needs is to know that you are on their side and that they have a safe space to show their true emotions. This might take a bit of practice if they are not used to communicating their feelings!

If you need some extra help supporting your child with their anger, call 07794 020471 or email joanne@nlp4kids.org to book a FREE consultation at my NLP therapy practice in Worcester.